Turning “30"- Accomplishments, Childless, Toxic Trauma, and Freaking out.
Updated: Jul 16, 2020
I believe children are truly a blessing.
My first job, fresh out of high school, was as an assistant preschool teacher. In the evening I was a nanny and absolutely loved it. My favorite age was the four-year old’s who were either old souls or behaved like teenage assholes.
Every day, they taught me something new. I learned that being selfish, and brutally honest is not necessarily a negative thing, crying is healthy, and that when my anxiety comes knocking to dance like no one is watching. It was truly an enjoyable way to enter adulthood but, I was exhausted by the end of the day and looked forward to dismissal time.
At the age of twenty-one, I got pregnant and felt my career prepared me for motherhood. Although the relationship I was in was toxic my partner was excited and up for the challenge. We discussed names, read baby books, and mapped out a plan for after I gave birth. Life was moving fast, and I was so excited that we were hardly fighting. It was hard to vocalize wanting to weigh out my options. I did not have time to process the pregnancy and before you knew it was time for my first doctor's appointment.
At my 9-week check-in, my OBGYN could not find a heartbeat and expressed concern.
A few minutes later the doctor revealed I was in the midst of a miscarriage. The look on my partner's face was heartbreaking. We cried for a few days and after researching how common this was I was able to ease our pain, and we were eventually able to move on.
Now that I am so close to pushing 30 whether I missed my opportunity is a constant conversation among my friends. Which leads to the discussion of what are we waiting for? Men have literally asked us “why aren’t ya’ll knocked up yet”? Or my favorite. “Ya’ll must be crazy”. It’s as if having a child before 30 is a huge accomplishment and our value as women are measured by motherhood. We are Unicorns.
On a recent trip to LA, some of my friends and I gathered for brunch and yet again the topic was bought up. “Why are we waiting to have children?” Common responses were longing to be married first, financial security, not happy with careers, stretch marks, and the desire to keep in shape. these all seem like valid reasons. I decided to share a fear.
I have toxic family traumas and I don’t want to project that on to another human being.
My friends sat in silence and soaked in what I had shared. This opened up the floor to dive deeper into talking about childhood trauma. Some of us were not hugged enough, grew up in a household putting each other down was the norm, were not told we were beautiful and had to be versions of ourselves that our mothers wanted us to be.
And there it was. The answer to my question.
At this time, we do not have children simply because we are scared.
Now those who know me know that I hardly allow fear to predict the outcome of what’s to come out of my life. But ya’ll…… I am afraid of history repeating itself and raising a child who does not feel loved. I am afraid of failing, and let’s be real there are more than enough children on this earth who suffer in silence.
Now do not get me wrong. I know that my parents did their absolute best and that most of their techniques were passed down generationally. I especially understand a lot of their mistakes were simply because they were young. As a child, we put so much pressure on parents to be perfect unaware that they are still shifting and growing.
I do not fault them.
My experiences as a child helped me understand with age comes wisdom and that not rushing is the best option for me. Yes! 30 is approaching fast but focusing on my mental health, self-love, and personal financial goals are major achievements for me. I’ve come a long way and can only hope that being the best version of myself is the preparation I need to become the parent I strive to be.
Loving, supportive, encouraging, and a friend.
Too many parents had children before they were mature enough to comprehend the emotional support a child needs. These are all learning curves and with time I’ve seen bad relationships transform into positive ones.
My hopes are to work towards breaking generational curses, continue to establish healthy boundaries, surviving in 2020, and not allow fear to predict my future.
Let the count down begin!