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Sex, Love and Friendships. Casual hookups vs authentic connections

We stared into each other’s eyes, took a deep breath, and laughed until we cried.

Sex is better when you are in love.

Now, I’ve had my fair share of intimate relationships. Most of my experiences have been with passionate men who cared about both my mind and body equally.

And for that, I am super grateful.

However, there are a few who either cared about one more than other or did not care at all.

In my early twenty’s I found myself craving men who consistently gave me headaches as soon as they opened their mouths. Yes! They were attractive to look at. Yes! They either had several roommates or lived in an apartment with little to no furniture because “They were hardly home.” Yes! I always had to split the bill. And Yes! Their mating call is “WYD?” But, they pleased my body in a way that over looked the fact that they had so many red flags. I craved their lack of respect for me because ultimately I felt those type of men were the best in the bedroom. The type of man who gives off not having a care in the world and their main purpose on this Earth is to simply “blow your back out”.

But three years ago,at the age of 26, I had a one night stand which resulted in a long term relationship. I was in love. He fit into the spectrum of caring about both parts of me and sex with him was filled with passion and sometimes rage. We took a little bit of a break and I found myself in NY sad and craving sexual interactions.

So I reached out to a guy who I used to occasionally hook up with before I moved to LA. I wanted someone familiar but, also wanted someone I couldn’t possibly fall in love with.

My text read “Hey, you home?”

He instantly responded with “How long would it take for you to get here?”

I threw on some basic leggings, a crop top and hopped into my Uber with excitement.

We had sex.

There was lack of passion, intense selfishness on both our parts and after we were done I got a random text from my ex. We both looked at each other and knew that was the last time we would ever hook up.

I left unsatisfied.

I missed being held by someone who loved me, the intense pillow talks about the universe and if astrology is real, and studying my partners body in awe.

I was worried that I would not be able to move on from my ex and that he had a hold on me mentally and sexually. Unaware that my sexual needs were shifting and sex is better, at least for me, when I’m connected to a person who actually cares about me.

That relationship ended and I found myself developing strong feelings for a friend who I have known since middle school.

On a trip to visit my family he invited me out for a drink. We ended up at a rooftop and danced the night away. Our connection was very strong. It helped that he was from the caribbean. He wasn’t afraid to dance on his own and I was drawn to the fact that he was so carefree.

It felt like we were the only two people on the dance floor that night.

I loved that he admired my dance moves and did not judge me for doing the running man when the back street boys came on. I had not been able to be my silly authentic self in a really long time and it felt nice to be this free. Strangers walked over and asked how long we had been together?

He just looked down and gave a genuine smile.

I drank way too much and found myself thinking about exploring the option of taking our relationship to the next level.

He offered to drive me home and I made up some excuse about wanting to go to his place because it was closer. He agreed. He offered me a t-shirt and mentioned sleeping in the living room so that I would feel comfortable. It was like a love scene from a sappy romantic comedy when the woman responds “You don’t have to. You can sleep in here.”

And so he did. I initiated and throughout the experience felt cared for. I felt safe.

I knew after that moment our friendship would never be the same.

The next day he reached out. He was insecure and felt I was full of regret. In actuality, I was struggling with the idea that not only was this something I wanted to do again but, that I could potentially be loosing a friend. Kissing him released emotions I had never felt before and I found myself questioning if I had ever truly been in love.

Our connection scared me and I fought it for over a year. He was super patient, persistent without being pushy, and proceeded to still be a friend when I needed one the most. I avoided sexual encounters with him and yet just watching netflix and talking about the various projects I wanted to work on felt intimate. Over the course of time I had fallen head over heels for him, and our next encounter happened naturally.

It took some time and then it hit me. I realized this was something I had been searching for.

A partnership. Friendship. Silly moments. Someone who pushes me. Intimacy outside of sex and goal orientated.

Sex is better when you are in love.

I guess you can say I’ve completely outgrown being attracted to men who only send “WYD” texts and would rather be intimate with someone who actually cares about me.

“You know what that’s called. GROWTH!”


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