I typically take pride in writing about topics that reflect on my spiritual growth. We are a year and a half in but, honestly, this pandemic sped up the progression.
I'm a little rusty but, hear me out.
At first, I thought I needed to take time to solely focus on myself, which is a pattern I typically give in to. The universe completely pushed me in the opposite direction.
I have to be honest. This journey is draining.
There are certain boundaries I've set that serves as a shield. I've spent most of my life creating, what I thought to be considered, healthy boundaries and blocked anyone from getting too close. I considered that to be a form of self-love.
As if self-love is the only form of love I can trust because receiving healthy love from others is frightening.
I've come to the realization that my mother was my first bully and yet, wanted to be my best friend at the same time. She introduced me to the game of manipulating others into thinking she had their best interest and the older I got the more she projected her traumas onto me. She is actually the one who expressed that being locked in my room, all the time, is a sign of wanting to disconnect. She was right. I've been creating some distance since my early teenage years and yet the blame game was always one-sided. I've struggled with fighting against feeling drained and hoping one day that she will evolve.
Mother's day was extremely hard for me, emotionally, now that I'm fully committed to my spiritual journey. This distance is long-term.
Also, how do you explain to others why the relationship is so damaged when no one has seen that version of it. Most people look at me with confusion and so I am now owning the label of being the black sheep.
It took me several years to discover wanting a lot of alone time comes from previous trauma. Yes. my energy is dope. Yes. A good night in is blasting music and twerking to my favorite song. Yes. Alone time recharges my batteries.
Hi, my name is Tunirenee and I am a loner.
I am afraid of attracting vampires who feed off of my energy. Thank you, LA for that. I second-guess everyone's motives. This is one of my biggest fears, and I feel undesirable when I am drained.
Do not get me wrong being comfortable with spending time alone definitely has its benefits and it is the reason why I am the woman I am today. I am strong, confident, enthusiastic about life, passionate, kind-hearted, sensitive, a supportive friend and I can trust my own advice. It also helped to prepare me mentally to have to keep my distance from loved ones during this pandemic. Silence is peaceful.
Then a shift happened and I was forced to learn balance.
One of my best friends has breast cancer. We are fairly young and so we are extremely shocked. We have survived the most outrageous moments in life possible. I can't even begin to fully comprehend how we are living our best lives with all of our limbs intact. She is trying her best to live life with some normalcy, and I want to do my best to see her smile Especially, on the rough days when all she can express is feeling irritability and sadness.
I've had to grant myself permission to be vulnerable enough to show my sensitive side, show up for her at all times, allow others to step in to offer unconditional love and support, and completely leave this comfort zone unaware I've spent my entire life creating.
I've had to let people in. There is only but so much anyone can handle on their own and I've had to learn to trust. Although, she is dealing with the effects of having cancer. It hurts to know I can only do but so much, and so it's been beneficial to have my own support.
So far, I've learned a lot of my friends adapt to my disappearing acts. They do not judge me and continue to check in on my mental health. They genuinely ask what I need and share insight on helpful information to cope in healthy ways. They make me feel safe.
I am super grateful for them and I convinced myself to remove the expectation of only desiring self-love or love from my mother.
Love is universal.
Ya'll. Daddy issues are real. Mommy issues are just as real too. Unfortunately, I've had to heal from both.
As I continue to evolve and get out of my own way I am super appreciative of those who been patient while I'm unlearning the way I respond to situations that trigger past trauma.
Please feel free to offer any words of support or you can donate to my best friends go fund me page. The link is in my Instagram bio.