Whew. What day is it again?
Just last week, for me, life had some form of normalcy.
I was an essential worker, My work best friend was a forty-two year old woman named Amelia, and I rode the subway to and from work. Mentally I was feeling the effects of this pandemic but, my life still consisted of running around the streets of New York hustling to secure the bag.
Working six days a week affected my body physically and mentally I felt myself feeling more burnt out than usual. I felt ashamed voicing this especially since so many Americans are now unemployed. How dare I complain about seeing the rise in homelessness while riding the subway into work? Even-though as an empath seeing this contributed to my mood swings and sudden sparks of sadness.
To keep myself somewhat sane there have been days when I am singing into a broom stick and pretending it is a microphone. Shout-out to Jhene Aioki and Kehlani for blessing me with songs that I can relate to as a person who is passionate, emotional and, previously told, often feels a little too much. There are days my over thinking can make it difficult to get up and face this new uncomfortable world we live in.
My life is flipped upside down and somehow this quarantine life has truly been a blessing. I’ve been able to catch up on TV shows, talk to friends without much distraction, and I’ve been able to play catch-up while enjoying New York’s silence.
y’all………. New York is exhausting.
When this first started staying busy/productive and it’s importance became stressful. Let’s be real. Social media is somewhat to blame for this.
My timeline consists of the many projects people now have the time to work on. Meanwhile I’m just happy to get more than four hours of sleep, reply to texts quicker than seven business days and have conversations with friends about their latest adventures on Tik Tok. I’m also happy to get to know myself on a deeper level without all the outside noise, and to go for a walk simply because well…… I want to.
There are many days I find myself comparing all goals I want to hit, in 2020, to those who have been able to make theirs a reality in such a short amount of time.
I literally saw a post from an “influencer” who created her online store and hit 1.2 million in sales in a matter of a week.
Envy and rage filled my heart like poison and triggered many episodes of self-pity. Why am I re-reading an article, I feel is complete, over twelve times before hitting publish? Why am I not hitting my fitness goals? Why am I craving mac n cheese every 30 mins? and giving into those cravings. why am I beating myself up for not being completely financially ready for a pandemic?
I’ve questioned my worth and whether I too can turn lemons into lemonade like my favorite “influencers”.
It took me some time to realize that I was giving social media way too much power over my life. I am a writer. I write because it is my passion and some days it requires some effort. I am not hitting my fitness goals because I am still getting into the rhythm of running in the concrete jungle.
Also, the gym is closed. Mac n cheese is my favorite meal to eat and therefore, when stressed I crave it.
Finally. I am as ready as I’ll ever be.
I am learning being busy does not always mean you’re productive, taking a nap does not make you’re lazy and that I too can turn lemons into lemonade.
Just a friendly reminder be kind to each other but, most importantly be kind to yourself.