Updated: Feb 27
He was enticing, such a mystery, that’s what drew me to him. I was always curious, to know what he was hiding. In reality he was hiding the pain that I was familiar with. The same pain that I hid inside. The pain stemmed from inadequacy. Like I, he was also always affirmed. Told that he could be whoever, do whatever, and see whatever. Like I, there was a moment that he fell short and was not prepared for this collapse.
We all go through seasons of plenty and seasons of lack. When you’re in a season of lack and your mindset is operating in a season of plenty you miss out on the opportunity to prepare yourself, instead you end up chasing a dream, chasing things that will fade, seeking your identity in the wrong places.
We understood each other an unspoken bond, “this is where we are, and why be lonely, let us sit together.” Misery loves company and two people without purpose is trouble. So I wish I can blame him. I wish I can say that because of him I was miserable, however I dug the hole and wanted to fill it up with all the wrong things.
Eventually I cut myself loose from his grip, but it took a lot of convincing. It really took a gift from God himself.
A reminder of my identity, a reminder of my worth. I went back a couple of times because I was so used to all the mess, all the misery that I was afraid of losing myself even more if I left full time.
I don’t regret being there. Being rock bottom made me realize that the top wasn’t too far. That I can rebuild, I first had to let go of the toxic mindset that I was too familiar with.
We all go through seasons of plenty and seasons of lack. When you’re in a season of lack and your mindset is operating in a season of plenty. You miss out on the opportunity to prepare. He was my preparation.