Happiness is Acquired like Sauce
I misplaced my happiness at the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
Learned to live my life on full throttle.
I missed my chance at being a model.
I preferred to be behind the camera.
All the smiling was too much.
The fake love.
Everyone wants to be your friend but no one wants to know you.
I started drinking again.
A glass of wine.
Then a shot of tequila.
Then a fifth.
I was chasing the unattainable... fucking happiness.
I'm usually the designated driver; the sober, mom-friend. When I spiral... I spiral quickly and deeply. I usually isolate and live inside my head to attempt escape. At this time in my life, I felt completely lost in the world. Who was I meant to be? Where the fuck was my support system? How could I have signed up for this life of unfiltered turmoil?
I was drowning. I didn't have a life vest except in my core belief that with time comes healing and with healing comes wisdom. I started seeing my therapist again. She gave me tools in order to reorganize and reinvigorate my motivation to be healthy and full again.
In isolation, I learned a lot about how I need to be supported by the ones around me. I learned to let go of the expectation that people don't really want to know me. I recognized the value in the wisdom I've gained over the years and that made a difference in how I treat my friends and those trying to be close to me. But keep an eye out for those using you for your talents and grace.
Who's real enough to see you through your darkest times and who's understanding enough to know your mood swings aren't permanent? Who's willing to reach out to you and do your favorite things with you? Who's willing to pull you back from the depths of your anxiety? Those are the real ones.
And when you start to doubt if your friends really rock with you, I challenge you to ask them on a lunch date. Ask them to pick and time and place. A real friend will be there.