I'm tired boss.
Exhausted of the routine of getting to know somebody and them ghosting
Lack luster effort, they're just fronting.
Claiming they are for real when it's stunting.
Two months in and he can't keep up,
See, I cut that man off when I sense that his NOTHING IS really SOMEthing.
ONE time is all it takes for me to back off.
I'm tired boss.
I believe in communication.
Articulation over coffee about how you like your grits.
Sugar, or salt in them?
Love is a complicated yet simple thing. Finding a person who relates to you is complicated and in this world where we are so pressured to find this "one" we are never taught how to look out for ourselves. Recognizing my weaknesses and working on them actively is my own responsibility. It is not the responsibility of my partner to energize me. It is however my responsibility to fill my partner in on how I'm doing along my journey of self healing, and to allow that partner to love me through my struggles.
You see, when I'm exhausted of human contact, I internalize things, and the more I ruminate on how I think things should be, the more my outside world reflects the chaos inside. Suddenly, there are clothes everywhere and nothing has been cleaned in weeks or maybe months. I can't remember the last time I vacuumed, and I honestly couldn't be more ashamed when I realize what's happened.
It is not the responsibility of another human to clean up after the mess I've made. My depression and exhaustion and anxiety are my responsibility to handle. It's my duty to recognize when I've lost my way... when I'm deflecting to helping others because I feel I cannot help myself... when I'm more interested in someone else because anything is better than my current thoughts or situation. That's on me.
I've become better at recognizing when I start to tire, because exhaustion can lead into depression real quick for me. I recognize what's happening and move into a self-care space: re-energize, recenter, and refocus.
When I wrote this half baked beauty, I was going through a break-up. I felt haunted by the idea of being forever alone as most young people do. I realized I was neglecting everything in my life and doing bare minimums. So how did I fix it?
I went through my closet and donated six black garbage bags of old clothes. I lit a stick of Palo Santo and a Rose scented incense and immediately felt weight relieved from my shoulders. When the Pine-Sol and Lysol came out, I was buzzing with energy. The vacuum hummed and dust was removed. When I was done, I felt such vibrancy. I let go of all the negative, stagnant energy in the form of useless materialistic things and embraced simplicity.
The love I have for myself is unwavering, and even if I never find the right person for me, I know that I will be taken care of mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
That's my wisdom for the day. Until next time,